I travel on PBS. Occasionally, by car. But usually through the nature and travel channels. Recently I ventured on U-tube to the Sierra Nevada mountains in Colombia, South America. Here, a flourishing First Nation group, the Kogi, live as an uninterrupted lineage of survivors of the Spaniard Conquistadors for over 400 years. They recently allowed a modern woman to visit and take a video of their life while they shared some of their spirituality.

During their visit, the Kogi men were noted to have a small mortar and pestle with them at all times. Their tradition requires that the men keep stoking the mortar with spit throughout the day in order to build up layers of shell calcium. There is an intrinsic value, probably spiritually motivated that keeps the tradition alive. In addition, the women cultivate cocoa leaves to give the men before they sleep at night. This routine is used with the admonition for the men to reflect on what they’ve accomplished during the day and to plan what they will accomplish the next day.

My children say I see ADHD everywhere. I say, I respond to attention in all its manifestations.

My short interpretation of their cultural tradition is that the men are sedated at night by the cocoa leaves and are kept busy with the mortar and pestle throughout the day in order to focus their attention. This is a cultural and spiritual adaptation to the challenges of attention. They have survived to remember the beginning of time using these traditions. It’s brilliant.

Is this a compulsion that I see attention management everywhere? Do you?

The supper table was Daddy’s pulpit. This is where we had his attention if only for an hour a day and we fought like cats and dogs to keep him engaged in our stories. And unlike a dog fighting trainer he sicced us on each other in a playful way. Daddy held court while Mama served dinner and the daughters ran back and forth to the kitchen to help her. In the meantime, the day’s stories would line up in our mouths like shoppers lined up at the store on the day after Thanksgiving – jockeying to get there first. And as we would spew out the first lines of the story he’d interrupt saying ‘come on, come on, spit it out or someone else will take your turn’. And someone else would start their story and…you get the picture?

So what comes first, being impulsive by nature or being trained to be impulsive? Daddy’s little game may have taught us to be rude, too because I haven’t yet met someone who likes interruption. A lifetime goes by and the three sisters all interrupt just as trained. What are the reasons to keep up the game? By now the origins are almost lost in the mist but the behavior stays the same. At any point in time, one of them interrupts to shut the others up, one to change their opinions and one to communicate something, desperately attempting the impossible.

And in the end, there is silence and no one is listening.

How to be Heard

Why do you interrupt? Are you afraid you’ll forget whatever is on the tip of your tongue while you have to wait your turn? So you want to control the show? Shall we say you’re impulsive? Is that enough of a reason to forget your manners? What did your daddy teach you?

Settle your mind while engaged in conversation. Start to trust that you will be heard especially if you’re silent until they’re through (and some people take a really long time to finish). Whatever you have to say will be heard by the people who should hear you, though not necessarily the ones you want to listen. This distinction requires reflection on your part. Who really needs to hear you? Who do you need to be heard by?

National Public Radio played an interview with Cal Tech scientist Cristoff Koch speaking on the source of consciousness. I looped around in my head for a while looking for a landing spot to store and process his concept. The best I could do was to believe he was saying the less you pay attention the more you pay attention. It’s like dreaming for answers; disconnect the left/logical brain from the right/creative brain and you’ll be there, wherever that is.

It oddly made sense to me since I use dreamwork with clients for brainstorming and problem solving. In other words the less you try to force a solution the more clear the solution becomes. Daydreaming really works and is a form of consciousness that is sorely underrated. So if you’re looking to solve that dratted math problem stop trying so hard to pay attention. Let your eyebrows relax. Move in to your unconscious to find the answer.

Do I have this right? What do you think?

Attention is a state of grace and after losing my attention over and over again I want a better relationship with grace. Keeping my attention is like keeping God in my mind. What can be done to live in that attentional grace space?

Two years ago the Dalai Lama convened a symposium on mindfulness as a treatment for depression at Emory University in Atlanta, Ga. It’s a short drive from my home, so I invited my sisters and daughter and together we attended the weekend event with some close friends all of whom live with ADHD or who work in the field of ADHD service.

Representatives of five major faiths presented their organized religious perspectives on mindfulness or meditation to the Dalai Lama.

Scientists presented papers to the Dalai Lama on studies on meditation and its impact on mindfulness.

The Dalai Lama was conversational, inquisitive, funny and friendly as the material was discussed in front of a few thousand attendees. He was serious in his investigation on the value of the Buddhist practice of mindfulness as a means towards health and wellness which impacts our ability to attend to what is important in our lives.

Practice Mindfulness for Anxiety Relief

Since then, I’ve recommended the practice of mindfulness to clients, teaching them on the spot how to live in the present moment because anxiety is an expression of future fear and extensive regret is related to living in the past. All we have is now.

When you have anxiety or regret that feels overwhelming, get two balls and juggle them slowly, back and forth from hand to hand. Do something you think is silly; anxiety and silliness cannot coexist in the same moment. Feel the position of your body – where is it? Where is your foot, your hand, your fingers? Tell yourself what you feel tactilely – how does the fabric you’re wearing feel? How does your hair feel? Pull yourself into the present moment and practice this mindfulness.

Tell me, how are you now? What do you want to pay attention to in the present moment?

What does your intuition tell you to pay attention to?

High Drama at Home?

Do your family and friends pay an enormous amount of attention to your emotions or little at all? Does either reaction stimulate more or less emotion from you? What is the value of paying attention to emotions in your world? Do you have a choice?

Growing up, my family weighed heavily in the direction of emotional overload at all times, but I come from an addictive family environment. High drama was the rule of the day. My addicted parent appeared to be in control at all times, and we created the myth that it was true. The other parent was sick a lot. We walked on eggshells in the house (read Stop Walking on Eggshells: Taking Your Life Back When Someone You Care About Has Borderline Personality Disorder by Paul T. Mason & Randi Kreger). We had fun too, but it was played out against the backdrop of this emotional dynamic. Oh, and we all live with ADHD.

Well, darned if I didn’t go and look for the same dynamic in some of my relationships outside the family. I was high drama depending on the situation – it’s like it was a cloak I took off and on. And like that cloak, now I can take on a full experience with my emotions or I can choose to spend less time with them. What I mean is that if I’m happy I can really get in to it or I can use the energy to move forward. The same is true with sadness or anger. I can stay stuck in the sorrow or I can use the information in a healing fashion and again move quickly forward.

This knowledge comes from my life long search for what’s normal with an attention challenge, but you don’t have to wait so long. When that right person, a friend or a partner pays healthy attention to you and your emotions are on green, don’t get stuck waiting. Cross over and start a new life of healthy attention habits. You can choose to leave the high drama behind. Cultivate your healthy emotions that serve a purpose by choosing to spend more time in the situations in which they will occur. What you pay attention to will grow.

How do you cultivate healthy emotional friends, partners and situations?

Link to the following article for an excellent review of emotional sobriety  http://www.bhcjournal.com/default.aspx?articleId=28362&tabid=255

The Deadline

Last week I was invited to speak at a local business networking group meeting. I had a couple of days to create my material as it was a last minute invitation. But that was fine and I met my Friday deadline sending off my material to be used in a promo.

Mid-day Monday I received a phone call indicating the material was not received. I resent it and continued to prepare the presentation. At 11 pm I was notified that my resent material was received too late and I would be invited to speak at the next meeting.

In a flurry of worry, I wanted the credit that the material was sent on time and I had kept my commitment. But it didn’t matter. Material is either received or not received. This is like classroom assignments. The smartest students can stay up all night (some of whom do) working but if they don’t turn in the work, there is no credit. It’s in or it’s not in. Things are done or not done. It’s the worry, the perceived stress around receiving acknowledgement in the form of good grades or the perceived punishment from parents who ‘just don’t understand’ how something so important could not be completed that wastes our time and energy.

In your business, what is getting in your way of completion? There are no excuses; in the final analysis things are done or not done. The next time your student says there is no relationship between school and real life, you and I will know the truth…your student may need to wait until there’s a real life job situation to understand.

In the meantime, I’ve created a kickin’ workshop on…Attention Manifestation! Ah, the irony of it all.

What’s your attention story today?

Want my attention?

It sounds so simple – coaching for attention. We all have attention, but how often does it wander? Where does it go? Why? What does it matter? How does attention serve you? (I just stopped writing for a moment to send an email) (just answered the phone, too)

My attention is a commodity that I trade for attention, that I give to my loved ones, that is a source of my pleasure through its stimulating function. Prospective clients are looking for ways to anchor down their attention and to have it serve them better in their lives. On the other end of the spectrum are those who don’t want their attention and move toward addictions to avoid experiencing attention on parts of their lives that cause pain.

I coach for your attention. No longer do I take sweet young faces (my son, Matt for instance when he was young) between my hands and gently guide eyes toward mine for a chance at obtaining attention. Nor do I shout, plead, please, outline, wave, bump, throw, threaten, manipulate or initiate any other sort of attention grabbing activity. If you are my client we agree, disagree, negotiate, honor, value, respect and enjoy each other while working on your goal.

Together we understand your experience of attention; how and when it shows up and how and when it doesn’t. We coach to your strength (when it shows up) and allow the rest of your life to unfold. This is a glorious process of trial and error, cooperation, vision, mission, passion and acceptance. It is creative and sometimes mundane.

But ADD coaching works. When would you like to start coaching with me?