Stop Interrupting Me!

How Daddy Taught Us to Interrupt

The supper table was Daddy’s pulpit. This is where we had his attention if only for an hour a day and we fought like cats and dogs to keep him engaged in our stories. And unlike a dog fighting trainer he sicced us on each other in a playful way. Daddy held court while Mama served dinner and the daughters ran back and forth to the kitchen to help her. In the meantime, the day’s stories would line up in our mouths like shoppers lined up at the store on the day after Thanksgiving – jockeying to get there first. And as we would spew out the first lines of the story he’d interrupt saying ‘come on, come on, spit it out or someone else will take your turn’. And someone else would start their story and…you get the picture?

So what comes first, being impulsive by nature or being trained to be impulsive? Daddy’s little game may have taught us to be rude, too because I haven’t yet met someone who likes interruption. A lifetime goes by and the three sisters all interrupt just as trained. What are the reasons to keep up the game? By now the origins are almost lost in the mist but the behavior stays the same. At any point in time, one of them interrupts to shut the others up, one to change their opinions and one to communicate something, desperately attempting the impossible.

And in the end, there is silence and no one is listening.

How to be Heard

Why do you interrupt? Are you afraid you’ll forget whatever is on the tip of your tongue while you have to wait your turn? So you want to control the show? Shall we say you’re impulsive? Is that enough of a reason to forget your manners? What did your daddy teach you?

Settle your mind while engaged in conversation. Start to trust that you will be heard especially if you’re silent until they’re through (and some people take a really long time to finish). Whatever you have to say will be heard by the people who should hear you, though not necessarily the ones you want to listen. This distinction requires reflection on your part. Who really needs to hear you? Who do you need to be heard by?

My Son Skipped High School

Structure of the Military Changed His Life

Recently a friend caught up with me after many years of raising our families. We had a grand time sharing funny, sad and uplifting stories since the last time we lived in the same town. Our children were all within a few years of each other and a couple of our boys had particularly engaging teen aged years. One of her twins she shared, ‘skipped high school’.

She and her husband had divorced by the time the twins were in high school and each parent had one twin. Their agreement was to individually parent each son and ‘may the best son win’ or something like that. Can you guess what happened? Mom was the disciplinarian and her twin made it to school, made A’s and had a manageable high school experience.

The dad took the other son who spent most of high school somewhere else and made his living selling illegal substances. He passed wrestling and got out of high school by the skin of his teeth. Both sons joined the service and now the less successful son is 25 and in college. He has seen the hard side of life in the military. Before his military term was up he contacted a local state college with a plea: I don’t have anything to show you how much I want a degree – my high school years were fun but non-productive. However, I’ve learned how to work and I want you to give me a chance to succeed. If I don’t have a 4.0 by the end of the first term, I’ll leave. But I know I can do the work and hope you’ll give me the opportunity of a lifetime to get my education.

He was accepted and has been a stellar student.

Yes, he skipped high school not on achievement but lack of achievement. But through the wisdom of a military experience he was transformed.

It if can happen to this fine young man, do you know of others who have had similar experiences? Share them with me.

You Cleaned Up For a Stranger, But Not For Me

Cleaning Up for Strangers – Living with Mess

Company stayed with me last weekend – and arrived EARLY! I planned on the last two hours for the final sweep of dishes, papers, vacuuming, bathrooms etc but my guest arrived early. So he helped clean up a little and noted that this is really the way I live and was glad to have seen it. I didn’t like being caught and I reflected on other similar situations.

My son was just out of high school and we had moved to a smaller home where our belongings didn’t fit. They overflowed everywhere while we sorted and piled to give away, keep and throw out. The back porch became littered and it was time for company. We went in to a massive clean up cycle. Matt felt like we had betrayed the family by living with the mess until we wanted to ‘look good’ for the world. Well, yes and no. I didn’t anticipate the full force of his hurt and anger until he had piled the back porch with furniture up against the Great Room sliding glass doors blocking the arboreal view with a mess. It was an act of controlled rage that had to be remediated immediately. But his feelings were the most important focus of my attention. How could we clean up for strangers/friends and not for us/him?

I was recently reminded of this when I assisted a family with an intervention with a father who was a questionable hoarder. All the children were/had been unhappy with Dad for a dozen years, ever since the divorce and the beginning of the piles in the hallway, the piles on all the surfaces, the piles of paper, clothes and his collectibles. And with piles came debris and mold and a dirty home. The adult children had had it and suspected Dad was a hoarder so called in a local specialist. Unknown to the children Dad hired a few people to come in to the home to hide the debris and clean up the house. By the time D-Day arrived, the house appeared clean and organized as long as you didn’t open a closet door.

Now, the home had flowers and pot-pouri. The daughters were furious at the attempt to deceive a stranger and that Dad had cleaned up for a stranger but not them.

Have you ever done this? What motivates you to keep your home clean for the enjoyment of your family?