Your Attention Coach

Structure of the Military Changed His Life

Recently a friend caught up with me after many years of raising our families. We had a grand time sharing funny, sad and uplifting stories since the last time we lived in the same town. Our children were all within a few years of each other and a couple of our boys had particularly engaging teen aged years. One of her twins she shared, ‘skipped high school’.

She and her husband had divorced by the time the twins were in high school and each parent had one twin. Their agreement was to individually parent each son and ‘may the best son win’ or something like that. Can you guess what happened? Mom was the disciplinarian and her twin made it to school, made A’s and had a manageable high school experience.

The dad took the other son who spent most of high school somewhere else and made his living selling illegal substances. He passed wrestling and got out of high school by the skin of his teeth. Both sons joined the service and now the less successful son is 25 and in college. He has seen the hard side of life in the military. Before his military term was up he contacted a local state college with a plea: I don’t have anything to show you how much I want a degree – my high school years were fun but non-productive. However, I’ve learned how to work and I want you to give me a chance to succeed. If I don’t have a 4.0 by the end of the first term, I’ll leave. But I know I can do the work and hope you’ll give me the opportunity of a lifetime to get my education.

He was accepted and has been a stellar student.

Yes, he skipped high school not on achievement but lack of achievement. But through the wisdom of a military experience he was transformed.

It if can happen to this fine young man, do you know of others who have had similar experiences? Share them with me.

Cleaning Up for Strangers – Living with Mess

Company stayed with me last weekend – and arrived EARLY! I planned on the last two hours for the final sweep of dishes, papers, vacuuming, bathrooms etc but my guest arrived early. So he helped clean up a little and noted that this is really the way I live and was glad to have seen it. I didn’t like being caught and I reflected on other similar situations.

My son was just out of high school and we had moved to a smaller home where our belongings didn’t fit. They overflowed everywhere while we sorted and piled to give away, keep and throw out. The back porch became littered and it was time for company. We went in to a massive clean up cycle. Matt felt like we had betrayed the family by living with the mess until we wanted to ‘look good’ for the world. Well, yes and no. I didn’t anticipate the full force of his hurt and anger until he had piled the back porch with furniture up against the Great Room sliding glass doors blocking the arboreal view with a mess. It was an act of controlled rage that had to be remediated immediately. But his feelings were the most important focus of my attention. How could we clean up for strangers/friends and not for us/him?

I was recently reminded of this when I assisted a family with an intervention with a father who was a questionable hoarder. All the children were/had been unhappy with Dad for a dozen years, ever since the divorce and the beginning of the piles in the hallway, the piles on all the surfaces, the piles of paper, clothes and his collectibles. And with piles came debris and mold and a dirty home. The adult children had had it and suspected Dad was a hoarder so called in a local specialist. Unknown to the children Dad hired a few people to come in to the home to hide the debris and clean up the house. By the time D-Day arrived, the house appeared clean and organized as long as you didn’t open a closet door.

Now, the home had flowers and pot-pouri. The daughters were furious at the attempt to deceive a stranger and that Dad had cleaned up for a stranger but not them.

Have you ever done this? What motivates you to keep your home clean for the enjoyment of your family?